They Call This Real Life

When I was little, my grandma used to pull out her teeth and put them on the table.  She’d always say, “Now this is what happens when you don’t brush your teeth.” I feel like this is probably the reason I have a compulsive desire to brush my teeth at least 5 times a day.  

I guess I can’t be too mad at her though.  If she hadn’t scarred me for life, I’d probably feel a little more guilty about posting these pictures.  

Let’s just be honest.  I really don’t need anyone to spend a ton of money trying to entertain me.  If you’ve got a dog that likes to chase a laser light around the house on hard wood floors (in socks) then I’m your girl. Seriously, So Funny! 

(I was too distracted to actually think to record the real dog.)

Meanwhile, Matt Damon is making these weird bubbles in his tank.  According to my google search, this either means he’s “happy” or “needing a woman”.  I just hope “happy” really does mean happy… 

- I would never make plans a year in advance just to go see some Teeny Bopper movie like Breaking Dawn.  

- And even if I did, I would never EVER buy tickets to the midnight showing. I mean seriously. Who would do that??? 

- And even if I did buy tickets to the midnight show, I would never have a conversation like this: 

Me: “Linz, are you sure we’re not too old to do this?” 

Lindsey: “I don’t know Haylee.  Surely we can make it through… I mean we’re only 23.” 

Me: “Yeah… And we can totally take a nap before. Right? We can do this.” 

- And even If I did have this conversation, I would never admit that it ended with “Well we have to do it because Edward Cullen is SO WORTH IT and we wouldn’t want to let him down.”  

It’s a good thing I would NEVER do any of this… How embarrassing would this be? I would totally judge this person.  

Today was my first day in Kindergarten! 

Student 1: “Miss Haylee, C said the ‘F’ word!” 

Me: Oh Yeah? Exactly what “F” word did he say?

S1: (Whispering) “He said fart”

Me: Ok. Go finish your lunch. 

S1: “Miss Haylee, He said the ‘B’ word this time!” 

Me: Which ‘B’ word did he say? 

S1: (He can’t even repeat this word.) Points to his “butt.”

Student 2: “Miss Haylee, My mom told me that we can go ‘ghosting’ this weekend.” 

Me: (Thinking this kid’s parents are crazies.) What’s ghosting? 

S2: “It’s where you go up to somebody’s door, ring the door bell, leave them a bag of… CANDY, and then hide! It’s so fun!” 

Me: (Maybe they’re not so crazy.) Do you want to know where my house is? I like candy!

S3: “Miss Haywee, Wis is ouwa gween wite, weahwoe wite, wed wite and ouwa white wite.  You don wanna moove to da white wite. Ora you will goa see miffa smiff an he will gif you a whoopin.”

Me: (Thinking to myself: “Ok. Think. Translate. What in the world did he just say? Think. Think. Think.)

S3 Translation: “Miss Haylee. This is our green light, yellow light, red light and our white light.  You don’t want to move to the white light. Or you will go and see Mr. Smith and he will give you a paddling.” Got it! 

Hardest part about today: trying not to bust out laughing every five minutes. 

Today I found this at my grandparents house.

Guess who’s bike it is! My Grandpa’s.  NBD.  He just up and decided that he needed a bike.  I mean who doesn’t? Right? Did I mention that he’s in his 80’s? Did I also mention that out of his 11+ grandkids and 3 great-grands, I’m pretty sure he’s the only one that actually has a bike? No. Big. Deal.  I’m not going to lie, when I first saw it, I thought he might have just found it somewhere. Nope.  He bought it. Why? Good question. Because “you never know when it might come in handy.”  That’s a direct quote.  

I can totally see him buying a bike for no reason.  The grandkids might want to ride it or something…  What I can figure out is why on earth would this bike ever “come in handy”. What could possibly be going through his head for him to think “Yeah, I might need that one day”? 

So It’s official. Matt Damon has been forced to go into the witness protection program. For the past few weeks he’s been getting some death threats from some undisclosed sources. (Sasha and Laura. Jerks.) They gave us Tom Hanks (may he rest in peace) for the summer. Anyways they’re back from their summer trips and Sara and I decided it was only fair that we give them Matt Damon as a replacement fish.  BUT they didn’t want him.  Our fish isn’t good enough!!! AND do you want to know why??? They said Matt Damon is… UGLY. I think, “You should just flush him” were their exact words. The nerve of those people.  So as of tomorrow Matt Damon will no longer be living in Hendo.  It’s just not safe anymore.  

AND Matt Damon beats Tom Hanks any day.  I think they still carry a little bitterness in their hearts over Tom Hanks’ terminal illness.